A guy walks into a library and says to the prim librarian, “Excuse me, Miss, do you have books on suicide?” To which, she stops her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, “Fuck off, you bugger, you won’t bring it back!”

LaLaki nkataLi ang leeg nakabitin sa kahoy sa tabi ng iLog, gusto mag suicide. NabaLi ang sanga, nahuLog sa iLog, Lumangoy!
LALAKI: Hay! Salamat di ako naLunod!

Lawyer: Would you please tell the court why did you shoot your husband with bow and arrow?

Wife: I didn’t want to wake up the children and the neighbors.

A farmer’s horse kicked the farmer’s mother-in-law to death. A large crowd, mostly men, turned out for the funeral. The priest remarked that the old lady must have been highly popular. An onlooker replied that most of the men were there to buy the horse. ;>