A priest was caught steeling from the church’s safe by the sacristan and he shouted, “Blessed are those who see and do not talk,” and the sacristan retorted, “For they shall receive their share.”

An angry lady stormed into an opthamologist’s clinic. She complained to the doc, “Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday.”

The doc tries to soothe her, “I assure you, ma’am, that no one on my staff would do that. Why do you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think, ma’am, that means your cataract operation was a success.”

A man who was behind in paying his bills received a note from one of his creditors:

“Dear Sir: Your account has been on our books for over a year. We want to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did.”

One night during dinner, the wife said, “When we were newly wed, you took the small piece of the chicken and gave me the larger one. Now you take the larger piece and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me anymore?”

“Nonsense, dear,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

Ways to know if you’re normal:
1. You have an email account.
2. You have a cellphone.
3. You watch tv often.
4. You know how to use a pc.
6. You register to unlimited plan.
7. You sleep late.
9. You were so busy you forgot to read #5.
10. You actually
scrolled up to see if there is #5. Don’t worry, wala ring #8.
11.Then slowly you’re smiling, you realize you made yourself laugh. Hahaha…

A girl left a note on the fridge, “It’s not working anymore. I’m going to my mom’s place.”

Her boyfried opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. He thought, “What the hell was she talking about?”

Desperation is when you are in a taxi texting your boss that you’ll be late, and then a thief snatches your phone through the window and instead of shouting for help, you shout, “press SEND, press SEND…”